how to do everything you want in your twenties

a framework for making the most of life after college

In my last piece, I made a case for serial hobbyism, as well as the need to overcome our commodified relationship with time because it cascades into a desire to maximize our productivity at the expense of enjoying guilt-free stretches of relaxation, hobbies, and unrushed quality time with friends.

“It is only once we can overcome the notion that every minute must be perfectly and productively spent that we can begin to be more present and open to spontaneous experiences. Although I still love it when an event or vacation goes exactly as I envisioned, I’ve also begun to appreciate the happiness brought by having no agenda, no expectations, and no countdown timer to dictate how long I spend with a friend. In these kinds of ‘imperfect’ experiences, we are no longer under the tyranny of the ticking clock; instead, time dilates and accelerates freely in a malleable space filled with more serendipity, richer emotions, and fuller experiences of being.”

As much as modern culture is obsessed with constantly reaching new personal milestones or turning hobbies into side hustles, it’s a no-brainer to accept that time spent doing what nourishes is time well spent, regardless of the tangible outcomes. However, it feels incomplete to discuss mindsets around spending time & money on hobbies and other ‘for fun’ activities without addressing the bigger question of how to craft the lifestyles we want to lead. So, I decided to break it down into four different, though not mutually exclusive categories that constitute what I call the ‘pyramid of lifestyle.’

breaking down the ‘pyramid of lifestyle’

At the base, I put habits, forming the foundation of our personhood. These actions and attitudes are so integrated into our daily routines that they eliminate decision-making, which frees up precious brain space but makes them all the more difficult to identify and change.

Next, similar to habits but more malleable are interests. I foremost characterize interests with consumption, as they’re about appreciating the value others have created, through activities such as reading about geopolitics, watching people exceptional at their sport or craft, and buying products that catch our eye.

In contrast to interests, hobbies are about creating this same type of value ourselves —
this is why I believe they enable a higher degree of personal growth, fulfillment, and self-actualization. For example, as much as I enjoy reading as a quiet solo pastime, what I read becomes much more fun and ‘sticky’ when I connect it to other areas of my life by synthesizing takeaways in a Substack post or discussing it with book club friends.

Finally, at the top of the pyramid are experiences, generally low-frequency luxuries that deviate from routines, and by the same token, offer often much-needed mental resets. I view experiences as self-care via immersion in a refreshing environment, with possibilities ranging from a simple spa evening to a whirlwind tour across the world.

…so what do I do with this?

At this point, you might ask: Why agonize hours over the definitions and differences between these arbitrary categories? Just go and do what makes you happy!

If only it were that easy. Given that most of us don’t have access to infinite funds, we earn money by working some corporate desk job, which eats up the majority of our time and energy. In the U.S., we l(o|i)ve to work, so much so that lunch ‘breaks’ are a toss-up between ‘munch on salad grain bowl while clicking through Outlook inbox’ and ‘check phone every 10 minutes while eating with coworker to be on time to the 1 pm.’ After clocking out, we spend our remaining few hours before bedtime on basic survival tasks like feeding and cleaning ourselves, and perhaps somewhere in between, we muster up enough motivation to fit in an hour of exercise, which we believe will off-set the combo of 8+ sedentary hours at the office and 3+ hours of horizontal rotting at home scrolling or watching whatever show meets our meager leftover brain capacity.

Busy with survival, it's easy to fall into lifestyles with little intention, and even if we begin to recognize discontentment or that our hedonistic escapes only bring temporary pleasures, we rarely give ourselves the mental space to reflect on what we could or should change to get out of this rut.

But this doesn’t have to be the norm.

Coming down from the college high is rough for many of us because our unparalleled freedom is met with long and restrictive work hours; our large community of nearby friends suddenly gets spread across the country; and, well, we need to start adulting for real. Despite experiencing all this, I’ve realized that I was lucky with my first job out of college; being in a stable position that caps my hours at 40hrs/week (excluding lunch breaks) has gifted me the space to develop greater awareness of what financial independence looks like, what healthy means for me, and in general, what types of experiences nourish vs. deplete me.

The pyramid of lifestyle is a framework borne out of a desire to overcome corporate fatigue; by bringing the key elements of lifestyle into sharper focus, we can take back the reins and lead lives that prioritize what nourish us. Coming up on two years into my first full-time job, I’ve found that although all four levels of the pyramid are integral, not all are equally rewarding or labor-intensive. Thus, with some work and mindset shifts, we can leverage the characteristics of each to our advantage.

tip #1: build good habits to make space for what you value

Habits are double-edged swords that form the cornerstones of life. Running on autopilot can lead us down a slippery slope, but with self-reflection, we can also configure our daily behaviors by establishing strong guiding principles. Once we enter a maintenance phase in which we automatically make the ‘right’ choices for our well-being, we can eliminate the daily drain of decision-making, resisting temptations, and dealing with the repercussions of short-sighted decisions, thus create more space to do the things we’ve always wanted, whether starting that substack or finally getting into pottery.

figure out what ‘healthy’ means for you.

Neglecting your health can not only shorten your lifespan, but also reduce its quality. Everyone has biological differences, so I won’t go on preaching my *perfect* routine (this time, at least :P), but there’s plenty of evidence for universal health pillars such as practicing sleep hygiene, avoiding ultra-processed foods, and resistance training complemented by sufficient protein intake. The amount of health & fitness advice circulating nowadays is overwhelming; these are just my two cents on what has stuck after years of trial and error figuring out how to overcome feeling anemic and out of synch with my body. Now that I’ve found ground rules that work, I’m able to spend a lot less effort maintaining a baseline of ‘feeling good,’ and dedicate more time to other important aspects of my well-being, such as scratching a creative itch or nurturing good relationships with friends and family.

transform learnings into identity-based habits.

I found James Clear’s identity-based approach to goals from Atomic Habits particularly positive and sustainable because instead of focusing on outcomes such as “I want to lose 10 lbs,” Clear emphasizes focusing on what kind of people we want to become, e.g. “a strong and active person…” and the process that’d help us achieve that, “…who exercises 4-5x/week.” I like to take it a step further and also think about the why — I love being active because it makes me feel stronger, happier, and more energetic.

ask yourself: what gives you sustainable energy?

If your job is unfulfilling but good enough to pay the bills, could you carve out space for passion projects outside of it? Alternatively, if you’re putting all your energy into career growth, how are you showing up for the people around you? If you’re always tired after work or doing chores, what habits could you tweak to reclaim some time and energy?

tip #2: learn who & what from the available nourishes you

This is unexpectedly hard. Our brains are ill-fit to handle the abundance of modern-day — the internet, the cracked food industry, and an ever-growing array of shiny consumer goods all give us far too many opportunities to enjoy rapid dopamine kicks. To see beyond the short-term gains from satisfying cravings and recognize the long-term effects of what we’re doing to our minds, bodies, and relationships, we can begin by getting more in touch with our bodies. Sometimes, it’s as simple as noticing how being around certain people makes us feel. Other times, the effects are delayed and more subtle, so it requires more mindfulness to, for example, prove to ourselves how much better we sleep when we spend more time outdoors or skip the late-night drinks.

write it down.

Our memories fail us consistently. Another dinner scarfed down barely looking at it, and we forget what it was by the next morning. Another day of feeling tired, and we forget how we could ever be so full of energy. Another night home alone, and we forget the great connections lying at our fingertips if only we got over our egos and reached out.

My habit of recording things might be mildly obsessive, but it’s also helped me remember and be grateful for so much more. A quick photo of my meal and company is a token of my appreciation of the blessing. As cringe as I found gratitude journaling at first, now I do it every night and even started doing monthly reviews to knit the narrative of who and what brings me the most joy. A notes page called ‘where friends are’ helps me keep track of faraway connections, often reminding me to hit up an old friend or scheme another couchsurfing trip.

availability is key.

No matter how good a hangout or one-off experience can be, if you can’t make it a regular engagement, you also can’t rely on it for long-term fulfillment. This applies to both people — it takes two to tango, after all — and activities. You can find low-cost ways to have fun even on a limited budget; some of these favorite activities include board game nights, bike rides, classical music concerts, fruit picking, tennis outside, and affordable community events & university resources like the Brown Design Workshop. It will take some proactiveness, but with time, you’ll also begin to understand the different ways different people are available — some want to set a date weeks in advance, while others can only decide if they’re ‘in the right mood’ with a day’s notice. Some might remain hobby friends; yet others might grow into multi-dimensional friends because they’re easy to engage in random fun activities. Wherever your interests lie, lean into who & what’s available.

decouple materialism with happiness and prioritize personal growth.

Having a financial safety net is crucial for our physical and psychological well-being. However, I want to believe that after reaching a certain baseline of financial stability, I can craft a life in which my capacity for fulfillment is independent of how much money I have. That baseline is something I’m still trying to figure out, but one thing I know is that I want to avoid falling into the rat race of consumerism and instead spend my limited resources on hobbies and experiences, which I’ve found best for gaining new perspectives, developing my crafts, and growing authentically as a person.

tip #3: embrace change — both in your surroundings and yourself.

Our twenties are a time of change. This can bring many days of loneliness, dissatisfaction, and restlessness, but it’s good to remind ourselves that these are often things we forget are normal in our twenties. Moving far away from my home and family in Hungary after high school has meant detaching from everything I’ve known and exploring what the U.S. has to offer. Although it’s scary to feel so untethered sometimes, I intend to make the most of this unique time in life when my parents are still healthy and I only need to be responsible for myself.

take things at your own pace.

Many peers are beginning to settle into ‘the rest of their lives;’ paths with a clear line of sight to their definition of success: topping their performance reviews and securing that next promotion; getting pets, engaged, and married; putting together a down payment and spending the next ten years paying off their mortgage. While prioritizing this kind of stability is valid and attractive, I feel like it’s not the right time for me yet; I still have so much to see, experience, and figure out about myself. So, whether that means picking up and leaving behind different hobbies, moving to a new place, or embracing the ebbs and flows of others going through their own transformations, I’m full-sending this phase of self-discovery.

Although moving at a different pace or in a different direction than those around us can feel isolating, I believe in the Chinese notion of 缘分 (yuán fèn) — that important people have a way of making their way back into our lives, as long as we open ourselves up to it.

conclusion: carpe diem

I refuse to settle for a life marked by complacency, or a job that eats up my entire day and leaves me sapped of energy to show up for myself and those around me. For now, I don’t want to rush into committing to a boilerplate narrative I don’t fully believe in, especially if it will put everything else on hold until ‘after I retire’ — in fact, I hope I never have to retire because I eventually find work that doesn’t feel like work. Maybe this eagerness for more will sizzle out one day, once I find what’s right for me, but until then, I want to make each day count, to explore all that the world has to offer, to dive into everything with passion and self-compassion, and, perhaps most importantly, to enjoy the ride with those I meet along the way.

Now, I’d like to ask you: what are you doing today to build the life you want?

As always, thanks for reading :)

- Jay